Law and Disorder by Tim Kevan

Author:Tim Kevan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2010-08-16T04:00:00+00:00

Tuesday 10 April 2007

Day 132 (week 28): Horsehair and HoneyTraps

TopFirst has really done it now. I went off to court today and, relying on his advice, didn’t take my wig and gown. ‘You don’t need them for fast-track trials these days,’ he said. ‘Only multi­track ones.’

That made sense to me as fast-track trials are often not much bigger than small claims hearings and you definitely don’t need your robes for those. I say that because without a second thought I trotted off to court, happy not to be lumbered with the cumbersome paraphernalia that comes with this job. Two hours’ travel and I was at Swindon, chatting with my clients and all ready for our hearing. Just as we were about to go into court, my opponent arrived in the waiting room all dolled up in his robes.

‘You’re robed, I see,’ I commented, trying to sound nonchalant.

‘I know. It’s in fast track, so no option.’

I tried not to look too stupid in front of my client and decided that the only hope was to try and brazen it out with the judge. In we went. We all rose as the judge entered in full court dress. He nodded and we sat down.

‘Mr BabyBarista. Please stand up.’

‘Yes, Sir.’ I rose.

‘I’m afraid I can’t hear you.’

‘Is this better, Sir?’ I spoke a little more loudly.

‘No. I said I can’t hear you.’

‘How about this, Sir?’ Just less than a shout.

‘No, you don’t understand. I can’t hear you.’

‘I’m sorry, Sir,’ I shouted. ‘Would it be better if I approached nearer to the bench?’

‘Mr BabyBarista. You are in enough trouble without adding insolence to your problems.You seem determined not to understand what I am telling you. Without your wig and gown, I am unable to hear from you.’

‘Oh. Sorry, Sir. Er . . . might you be able to hear me as to why I don’t have them?’ That seemed to get him and he paused and had a think. We were now definitely in Alice in Wonderland territory.

‘After all,’ I added, ‘it would cause great injustice to my client if you were unable to hear the case today.’

‘So. What is your excuse, then?’

‘I’m afraid, Sir, that they were stolen on the train this morning,’ I lied. Not clever, I know, but hey.

‘Oh . . . well . . . that puts a different complexion on things. Please continue.’

After which no more mention was made of the issue. Now, I realise how serious it is to lie to a judge and normally I wouldn’t defend it but it felt like the world had gone mad and no one seemed to be even questioning it. I was furious with TopFirst by the time I arrived back into chambers. A smug ‘Oh, sorry, didn’t realise’ was all I got from him. Makes me more determined to implement my plan. Got on the phone to Ginny’s agency and booked her for next Monday. I then emailed TopFirst from Ginny’s account suggesting a meeting in a bar in Covent Garden.

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